while i was sitting in the nosebleeds, i was thinking of you.

sometimes you have to view yourself as the protagonist of the movie that is your life. or maybe i just think and reflect in the third person.

I am only able to write these words because I can now sit back and look at the full scene, without being in it. the setting, the characters and their feelings, the delusions and intuitions, the wonder etc.… enjoy <3

3/14/2025 2:23 am

Tonight, the moon is full. I find myself sitting in the very same place that I first felt my heart long for you. Naturally, the corners of my lips rose at the near nostalgic glimpse of the early notes of butterflies and widened eyes, only brightening when they laid upon you.

I then took a deep breath. Inhaling all that it took to find acceptance of the unrequited hands that would simply hold the world for you. Exhaling the desire for any outcome other than that which lies on our fated paths.

Reminiscing on shared moments so sweet, perhaps turned saccharine. There I was, basking in this tender space, a familiar comfort. If this was to be my reality, I was content. Although intentionally existing in the present, I would later find myself hopelessly gazing into what could be. It was you. You were the window that let the sun through. And I reflected it right back. I was enamored, and for the first time, I think I wanted to show all of me. I think I wanted to learn all of you.

It was almost ethereal, but it was also ephemeral. You wouldn't love me how I loved you, and that is okay. I know that the love that is for me will always find me, in reciprocity and wholeness. But even so, my love for you, it was never conditional. Desire may evaporate, but love remains. So, it lives on, unless time allows it to fade. Although abandoned, the home I made for you in my mind still remains. Every so often I may stop by, look around, take it all in again...this thing...my experience of you.

And perhaps you’ll remain oblivious to the true weight of it all, for my discovery and observance of such things appeared even in the realm of the unconscious. I understand how unearthing it may feel to be seen, felt subconsciously, something beyond this physical manifestation. I know, because I felt that in the company of your spirit. The unconscious turned conscious. Projections brought to light, mirroring what’s hidden. I must have met you before. I met you there [a non-physical realm], and you didn’t even know it. Or maybe you did? Maybe you once experienced all of the things I did, but on the other side, and I was the one unaware this entire time. I do not doubt that some unexpressed and indescribable sentiments may remain. It does not have to make sense anymore. When it comes to you, I must surrender to the unseen and unknown.

Sometimes, I'd like to pretend to blame you for ‘making’ me fall...or feel this deeply, knowing you didn't even lift a finger, nor did you have to. You were you. I was me. I only felt this deeply because... that's just how my heart works. Really, it’s just that my heart was learning to be comfortable unfolding. Admitting unravelment. Allowing transcendence through raw expression. And that, for some reason, I could do with you. This was new. It felt safe. At- heart, this was what I desired. To me, that was something so, so terrifyingly beautiful.

And so, I sit here, in the same seat, where my heart first longed for you, and I admire myself. I admire this transformation. I admire you, yet again, always. I admire our brief, inexplicable intertwining. Because sometimes what may be brief, actually lasts forever.

This is somewhat of a goodbye for now, maybe a see you later, but always a hello. <3